Wednesday 15 January 2020

ON VERIFICATION – A VAGINA IN THE WIND


Two news items this morning had a serendipitous relationship and stimulated some intriguing, enigmatic thoughts. One was The Guardian’s Why is Gwyneth Paltrow selling a candle that smells like her vagina? - see: https://www.theguardian.com/fashion/2020/jan/13/why-is-gwyneth-paltrow-selling-a-candle-that-smells-like-her-vagina-goop The other was a discussion on ABC RN Breakfast, (14 January 2020, 7:55am), concerning sustainability. The phrase that caught my ear was “ . . . so that people know what they are getting in the can.” Indeed, it is an interesting statement that generates the question: just how does one ever know just what the smell of this candle really is like? General marketing has no problem with flogging forest freshness, lavender and peach blossom, etc., but vagina smell is something awkwardly different. It is not a perfume that is usually understood, discussed, or marketed.
According to the candle, it is a “funny, gorgeous, sexy and beautifully unexpected scent”, a mix of “geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with damask rose and ambrette seed” - WOW! Gosh! Really? One can only think of that cliché Asian.








Consumer groups, watchdogs, and bodies like the ACCC in Australia are always on the alert for a fraudulent claim. One individual who promoted tea as a way to lose weight ended up in jail. One assumes that if one lived on tea, then one would lose weight: but . . . Television programmes are made on the basis of exposing false claims and fraudulent activities: the BBC Watchdog thrives on its weekly dramas. There never seems to be any shortage of them. So the question becomes: is this product being presented honestly? The candle container comes with a clear label on it that declares in black and white, literally: THIS SMELLS LIKE MY VAGINA. How can this ever be verified?








Well the answer is simple, but . . One has to be careful here, because one could come up with all sorts of different analogies for the smell, such is the intimate, individualistic nature of this sense: consider the variable and inventive world of wine that senses everything from chocolates, to cinnamon, cloves and cherries, and more, even fresh-cut grass. Here, with the candle, each interpretation of the experience has an immediate reflection on the intimate part of this self-declared female. Think of the implications of associations with donkey dung, for instance; perhaps snake oil. Might one be confused with a different orifice? The candle sells for 58 pounds - apparentlya comparative bargain’ - so one would like to know if one was really getting what one is paying for. Does the deal rely on the silent fantasy of hope? One thinks here of the Japanese love of used panties, packaged, hermetically sealed, just for their special smell; but there is a more tangible item here, something that has been closer to the source.







There seems to be a Trumpian quality to this promotion, a circumstance that is boldly taking over the world as spectacular ‘spin’ and things questionably ‘fake’. This appears to be a brazen promotion that challenges one to explore the intentional ambiguity of the hassles of proof that appear to have deliberately been befuddled with matters personal and secretive, untouchable: a stance usually followed by a silent, knowing, mocking “Ha, ha, ha!” smirk. The brashness of the circumstance leaves one a little flabbergasted. Dare one even explore mentally the strategies required to test this proposition being claimed? Sniff! Can one imagine the knock on the door by the government inspector who seeks proof? “I am here to . . . um, sniff!” "No, let's try again, just in case." "Mmmmm; ambrette seed?"







The obvious situation of this apparent promotional effrontery is that the seemingly outrageous claim will never be verified, but the emotional attachment of desire generated by the assertion remains lingering powerfully - sniff! - as persuasively open and transparent as the unutterable Trumpian madness, but still the candle has already been sold out! One thinks of how narcissistic foibles, foolishness, and whimsy are supported in spite of everyone’s awareness of the void.


Donald Trump's giant empty head by Callum Morton

The void



So what do consumer bodies do here? One can imagine other scenarios that would be of the same ilk; and there will be more. Indeed, Paltrow herself has already sold off sex dust successfully - the sex dust, like the vagina candle, sold out: what might be next? Just go to social media and you’ll find something else equally attractive for about the same money, or more, suggesting even better. One suspects that nothing will happen in the consumer fact-check world, such is the prudery of our past which shies away from matters intimate, even when fully exposed - especially when completely exposed. The mannered world covers up, conceals, apologises for bad manners; quietly atones for them, and moves on to more manageable matters. It is much easier, less challenging, to pursue the misuse of tea. Vaginas remain mystically unspeakable; their odours, indescribable: well, until now, apparently. Who would have thought: a mix of “geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with damask rose and ambrette seed.” Mmmmm. Really? Douched with what?





Perhaps we can look forward to a tin of beach air; or a whiff of sweaty armpit-in-a-can? Now this might be something for the ACCC to get its teeth into; not vaginas. The stark contrast with matters meaningful can be seen in the beautiful act of the Indian warrior who leaves a skin full of his breath for his wife on his departure so that she will have something of him should he not return. Ours is a puzzling world of plunder, self-interest, and profit. The architectural world has the same problems with the schism between personal promotion and latent meaning: sniff! - this is not a fantasised, exotic erotic pleasure, with any fanciful hopeful anticipation, but simply the sniff of tears.





Who gives a ‘rats’ about the smell of her vagina? Is this a simple extension of sensory porn? Do folk perve over the images on-line while sniffing the candle? My God!! Really!! What future is there? Imagine the variety of vagina smells that could end up being marketed on-line, and the possible extremes of the promotions - “Check this out!” Sniff-sniff!! Oh, that’s …..!

Sniffle, wipe: it is not good: paltry.



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